Reflecting on 2019

Here we are again, the end of another year. 2019 has been a rollercoaster ride full of ups and downs, yet I haven’t felt much like writing about it until now. There’s been a lot to do and a lot to deal with, so writing fell very much behind; especially when I was doing my dissertation as it felt as though I had no words left.

So let’s start with the good parts.

2019 was the year I (finally) graduated. After getting sick a few years ago, I had to take some time of my studies to focus on my health. This year, I tied up all the loose ends of my work and created a whole new dissertation to the one I had previously started. I used my experiences to create work that used photography and mixed materials to explore social reactions to being a young person with a chronic illness. University has been one of the most challenging and most rewarding things that I have done, and I’m proud of all the work I put into it. At the end of July, I got all dressed up with a gown that was too big and a hat too small to very quickly walk across the stage and graduate with a 2:1 in BA (Hons) Media Studies.

This year I have been fortunate enough to live with my best friend (and some other people) and then move in with my boyfriend. Living in a student house came with some challenges, but having someone I’ve known for most of my life there made it a lot more manageable. There was plenty of laughing, movie nights where we talked over the films, and more takeaways than is advisable. It was amazing. Thank you Jess for putting up with me, keeping me sane, and not judging my eating habits.

Finding somewhere both affordable and liveable in Brighton is unbelievably hard, but we did it. Patrick and I collected the keys to our flat in August and started the monumental task of packing all of our stuff and moving in over the summer. Thankfully, both our families were incredibly supportive and helped cart our stuff up and down all the stairs, and then across town where we have almost finished unpacking everything. Our flat has its problems, but its home. I think a big part of that feeling comes from us being together, because I never feel more at home than we’re cuddling on the sofa or falling asleep next to each other. There is no one I’d rather be on this adventure with.

It would be so easy to stop there, to paint a picture only of the pretty parts, but that’s not life.

2019 also came with more seizures, new symptoms, and constant pain. There have been (very few) hospital appointments and talks of treatment but to no avail. I waited over a year for one appointment to investigate why my body hurts as much as it does, and then a few days before Christmas, I finally got an answer: fibromyalgia. It’s a diagnosis I had long suspected but that doesn’t make it that much of an easier pill to swallow. Giving it a name makes some of the symptoms easier to explain to people, but it doesn’t communicate the disappointment and the heartache they cause. There’s still a lot of grieving and understanding to do in hopes of coming to terms with my current state of health. It is what it is, I just need to find ways of being okay with it.

2019, like all of the years before it and undoubtedly all the years to come, has been full of good days and bad days, and I’m grateful for both even when it doesn’t feel like it. This year has shown me that I’m loved, that I can do things if I work hard enough, and that I need to look after my body. It’s another 365 days lived and learnt from.

Time to start moving on to 2020.