00:59am, 13.06.2017.

Tonight, my heart hurts and writing is the only way I know to work through it. On Wednesday, it will be nine years since I lost someone very close to me. Until about an hour ago, it had totally slipped my mind.

I am hurting because I forgot.

Maybe forgot is wrong word, but I didn’t realise it was so soon. Everything’s been so busy lately, and I’m struggling to know what day of the week it is. I don’t think it’s because of my foggy mind though, I think that’s more the lack of structure in my life right now.

I am hurting because nine years is a long time.

The pain doesn’t go away, but I’m able to cope better now than I did then. I’m older and so much has happened since then. I finished school. I moved away. I questioned my identity. I am so different from who I used to be, and yet he’s stuck, frozen in time, forever.

I am hurting because 15 years is barely any time at all.

He will never move away to university, or get his first job. He won’t buy his first drink or pass his driving test. He will never get married or have kids.  He is forever young, my peter pan.

I am hurting because I miss him.

I always will.


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